Self-Hatred

It has been over a year since I last blogged. With recent events, I felt that I needed to express some thoughts on racism and self-hatred.

In the past several months, Blacks and women have been degraded in entertainment. Not that it hasn't been happening for decades but it has been brought to the forefront with the actions of Michael Richards and Don Imus. I was watching Oprah yesterday and the panelists really started to infuriate me. Everybody, it seems, wants to blame the Hip-Hop industry for the usage of the words, n***er, b**ch and ho'. Even though I do see some blame lies with them, I don't see it as it being totally their own fault. They are only expressing themselves in ways that were presented to them. Yes, they should be smarter and held accountable for the words they use, knowing that the younger generations are listening but I don't think that they realize that what they are saying is wrong. Where did they get these negative images of themselves and women? We didn't do this to ourselves. It was done to our ancestors by our Caucasian counterparts' ancestors. They taught us to hate ourselves by believing that we were dumb, stupid - ignorant. That we have nappy hair, big noses, full lips and hips - that we were ugly. We perpetuate this innuendos by trying to change ourselves (myself included) into the images that "White America" wants us to be. Society has denigrated black men to the point that they are practically effeminate. It called him "boy", made him feel like he was less than nothing, it has taken his woman and called her "gal" AND made her the head of his household, it put white women on pedestals and made him think that it was/is "taboo" to be with her. It made his women believe that she can only look "good" with straight, long hair (hence the relaxers and weaves), slim noses and fair skin. With these images put forth, how else are we supposed love ourselves? We can't. I try to teach my children that being Black is beautiful and it's not shameful. There is nothing wrong with having more melanin in our skin; it protects us from the UV rays of the sun. There nothing wrong with having full lips, big breasts, wide hips and buttocks - that is our heritage. But when society makes us feel that we are lazy, good-for-nothings, we will always put each other and ourselves down. Did we ever take the time to think that because of the abuse we have received for decades that hip-hop artists are just expressing what we think of ourselves? That in calling our women, hoes and b***ches, it makes them feel better because then we are lower than them? That there is some type of camaraderie when we call each other n***er because we are all ignorant, Black people and in turn makes you know that you are no better than me? In watching Oprah, not one panelist, including Rev. Sharpton, stated (from what I remember) that Whites have to take responsibility for what their ancestors did to our ancestors. In my opinion, when they decide to do that and realize that instead of putting us down, raise us up and treat us like equals and that we ALSO made a strong contribution to the progress and development of this country, then we will feel that those words so heavily used will have no meaning. But that thought is in a perfect world and that is what we don't live in. So we, as a people, must teach our children to love, not loathe, ourselves and others and then possibly we can begin to heal ourselves and realize that we are not niggers, bitches and hoes. We are productive members of society and we have nothing to be ashamed of.

As for Michael Richards and Don Imus - I don't carry any malice in my heart for them. They only said what was shown to them by their parents and their parents before them. Yes, they should have know better but on the other hand, we should have known better also and not use these hateful, hurtful words in a realm that this country can hear it and feel that they have "Carte Blanche" to use them because we use them. We shouldn't be using these words at all, in public or private. Once this happens, then any person - Black or White - should be held accountable for their actions when they are used in a public arena.

It's Been a While

It's been a while since I been here. Things became so hectic at home and school, I just didn't have the time. Things are still hectic but I am taking the time now to write.

The semester has started and so far, so good. I completed my associate degree in healthcare administration last month. It felt good to see "Degree Awarded" on my school's information system. I switched to the bachelor of science in healthcare management for the spring but I made a big decision....I decided to transfer to nursing school for the Fall. I know that life as I know it will cease for the next 2 years but it's worth it. This is something that I always wanted to do but didn't have the fortitude to follow it through. I'm looking forward to the challenge.

I have to type something about the passing of Coretta Scott King. I was saddened to hear it but it was expected, kind of. I remember seeing her earlier last month at a function for her husband, Dr. King and she didn't look too good. I thought to myself that it didn't look like she had much longer and it seemed that my thought came true. Her death is such a loss to the civil right movement that I hope that it doesn't die along with her. She is at peace now and with her husband. I hope their children will keep the dream alive.

Another School Semester Draws to a Close

As I am sitting here studying for my Math final this evening, I decided to take a break to blog. I have one last semester before getting my A.A.S. in Healthcare Administration in December. I've already started sending out my resume to different healthcare organizations but my search has not been fruitful as of yet. It is kind of disheartening but I'm not giving up.

As for my classes, they are going okay but the overall program isn't what I thought it would be. Sometimes I understand why my particular school is completely different from the rest of NYU. Too much slack is given to the students and it seems like if you can talk a good game, you talk yourself into a "A". I don't find the classes challenging enough and the professors are just too lenient. For almost $3500 a class, I want to be challenged.

So as this semester draws to a close, I'm looking forward to having a month off, being refreshed for the Fall semester and eager to see if my classes will be worth the money I'm indebted for.

R.I.P. Luther

I've been having computer issues for the past few months so I haven't blogged in a long while but when I heard the news Friday evening, I just had to find a computer to blog from.

The second half of my summer semester is in full swing so I was taking my usual day off to do my errands and housework. So, I'm in the middle of cleaning my living room and listening to Channel 7 Eyewitness News when the news anchor comes on with a somber voice and looking totally in shock while announcing the breaking news about Luther Vandross. I was in total shock myself. I didn't know what to do with myself. All of my housework just ceased at that moment. I called up a close friend of mine and the first thing she said is "you heard?". While I'm talking to her, I'm thinking of ALL of the songs that I grew up on - "Never Too Much", "A House is a Home", "Creepin", "If This World Were Mine" just to name a few. I just cannot wrap my brain around the thought of not hearing anymore new songs coming from this phenomenal singer. My kids couldn't understand why I was in such shock. They just don't know how great of a singer he really was. Luther was just one of the great singers that you could just identify with just his first name and everybody knew who you were talking about - just like Aretha, Smokey, Patti, Teddy, Anita. He will be sorely missed.

Luther, I hope that you find all the peace and solace you deserve in heaven for certainly you are up there dancing with your father again.

Unnecessary Drama

It has definitely been a while since I've posted. I've been so involved in school that I just didn't have the time. This has been my most intense semester so far and I'm not trying to see my GPA lowered so I had to eliminate all negative aspects from my life. That didn't include my blog but it did include my "so-called" significant other!

He surrounds himself in so much drama that when I'm in school, I have to limit my contact with him. If I don't, he tries to draw me into his drama with his ex. I care for him deeply but the love that I had for him seems to diminish a little as each day goes by. It is to the point to where I literally had to cut down my telephone and intimate interaction with him so that I could focus on my studies. It is really a shame because I shouldn't have to regulate my partner to the back burner but until he learns to eliminate chaos from his life, I can't have that negative energy in my life.

Life is too short for the unnecessary drama.

The Joke is on Miss Jones

It's been a while since I posted but it has been a busy month for me with getting back in to the groove of my spring semester of school. This subject may be a little late but rather late than never.

Today I viewed the words to the so-called "Tsunami Song" played numerous times on Hot 97 FM here in NYC through a ACLU forum I joined at NYU. I do have to admit that even though some of the lyrics were humorous, the whole catastrophic event was not. How could any of the morning DJs and producers at that station allow a song like that to hit the airwaves? Did they not think that the station would not receive negative feedback? Or was that their intentions all along? Bad publicity is better than no publicity at all. It was probably done to counteract the return of Star and Bucwild on Power 105 FM. Since the duo's return, people have been tuning in to their antics in droves and Miss Jones and her morning crew couldn't take the heat. Or better yet couldn't ride the wave...on second thought, maybe I shouldn't have typed that...

Anyway, what I don't understand is why Miss Jones would do the same type of skit that Star did regarding Aaliyah. The same type of skit that she was so enraged about that she walked out in the middle of the show and refused to return for days. Which takes me back to my previous statement - she couldn't handle losing her listeners to Star. So desperate times call for desperate measures. But if the song was meant to be only a joke, what was so funny about it? Miss Jones may end up losing her job behind this stunt, just like Star. So it seems like the joke is only on her.

A New Year Has Begun

Happy New Year to one and all!

I've been so busy with holiday shopping and studying for final exams, I didn't get a chance to write. I am so glad that the holidays and final exams are over!! But I'm not too happy with all of my grades. I really shouldn't knock what I received but I can't help it. I took four classes - healthcare management, CQI/TQM (that's a quality assurance class), Math Strategies (remedial) and Writing Workshop II. I got all the grades that I expected except for my writing class. I was expecting at least A- or a A and I ended up with a B+. I am really upset because I never missed a class and was one of the few that always handed in our paper and essays on time and I ALWAYS excepted constructive criticism from the instructor. Receiving the B+ didn't really make much of a difference in my GPA. It rose from 3.42 to 3.47 but I was aiming to get over 3.5. I still think I am doing pretty good for a single mother rearing four children but I try to set high expectations for myself and it gets a little disheartening not to meet them. Oh, well....c'est la vie!

Over the holiday, I was really disturbed to hear about the devastation in Indonesia, Sri Lanka and Thailand. But for some reason I really wasn't surprised. My mother and I had a conversation about this and I mentioned to her that such a horrific event sounds like something out of the Book of Revelations. She confirmed what I was feeling. She agreed with me that it is definitely a sign of the times and that everything mentioned in Revelations is coming to pass. I believe her because although I don't attend church regularly, she does and she knows a lot more than I do. I really need to get myself back in church because I'm not trying to spend the rest of eternity in fiery heat.

A friend of mine told me that there are blogs that show the devastation in those areas but she didn't mention which ones. Since I'm still relatively new to blogs, would anybody have any idea how I can go about looking them up?

Time for me to go. Hopefully, I will be able to write in more often. Keep the comments coming. I love to hear from fellow bloggers like myself.

Peace,
Trili